The "SUMP Failsafe, Be-All, End-All Bailout Plan"

The bailout packages that have been waged against the US economy so far have had little or no positive effect. But bailouts are good, right? So why are we nibbling around the edges? If a little bailout is a good thing, then a bigger bailout must be better. With that maxim in mind, here is my plan for a gigantic bailout plan that will fix everything for good.

At first glance you might think that my plan is overly simplistic. But as you read through the numbers, you'll notice that they make a great deal of sense. I should know because I just

At first glance you might think that my plan is overly simplistic. But as you read through the numbers, you'll notice that they make a great deal of sense. I should know because I just returned from a week-long training course at Bernanke and Paulson Financial Consulting Inc.

returned from a week-long training course at Bernanke and Paulson Financial Consulting Inc. The figures I propose are nice round figures, precisely because they should be easy for anyone to understand. And, trust me, this plan will work. This is just what the US economy needs to get those credit markets unfrozen. Once this plan is implemented, debt problems of any kind will be entirely a thing of the past.

In addition to the $700 billion bailout that Congress passed recently, the Federal Reserve has pledged nearly an additional $7 trillion to help failing banks. The $700 billion didn't have the intended effect. Seven-point-something trillion dollars might work a little better, but it's not enough. Why? Way to little. The way I see it, it's about $93 trillion too little. I propose a Federal bailout of 100 trillion dollars. It would be easy for the Fed to inject this money into the system, and it would solve all of our debt problems overnight.

The current United States Federal Government debt is roughly $11 trillion. In addition to that, there are unfunded liabilities, such as Social Security and Medicare, to the tune of about $59 trillion. Then, let's round up and say that the combined debt of all the States in the U.S. is $2 trillion. That's a combined debt of...let's see...11 + 59 + 2 = $72 trillion.

According to my well-rounded plan, that leaves $28 trillion unused. I therefore propose that $17 trillion of that amount be used for bailing out the financial sector, including the credit-card companies and Citigroup, and $1 trillion would go to the auto industry. If they're only asking for $25 billion, just imagine how much they could do with a trillion!

But wait! There's still $10 trillion left unspent from the "SUMP Failsafe, Be-All, End-All Bailout Plan". Under my plan, that money would go back directly to you--the taxpayer!! This will make a fabulous stimulus package. If we act now, we can have it to you in time for the holiday shopping season. With 10 trillion dollars to split up among every United States citizen, that amounts to something along the lines of $124,789 per person. That will do wonders to get our economy back on its feet, plus it will have the added bonus of stimulating the global economy.

That's kind of a whirlwind explanation of the bailout, but I think I've covered everything. How does it sound?

Am I missing anything?

So hurry! Contact your congressional representatives and your senators and ask them to support the "SUMP Failsafe, Be-All, End-All Bailout Plan". You'll be glad you did!!



Comments

  1. Yes, you are missing a key element. You need to include gun-to-your-head urgency. "If you don't pass this bailout plan by Friday the whole world will head somewhere incredibly hot in a hand basket come Monday morning!" kind of urgency. Hey, it worked for Paulson & Bernanke, et al.

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